How Not to Be Weird to Newcomers at Church

Stop scaring off the very people you’re trying to welcome

Photo by Vlad Shalaginov on Unsplash

When someone has summoned up the courage to show up to church - perhaps after a long time away, or maybe at a time of doubt or crisis - we really want them to feel welcomed. And if I bring a friend along, I really want them to see how friendly and normal the people at my church are. The newcomer naturally feels on edge - they don’t know what they’ll find, and they don’t know who they’ll meet.

After the service, however, is when things can go badly wrong. Sadly, I’ve seen this (or heard about it) so many times. First, of course, there’s the newcomer that everyone ignores because they are catching up with each other. They then leave unmet, unacknowledged, and overlooked.

The first rule is ‘welcome them!’
(And just a note for St Mark’s people: when you sit on the aisle end of the pew so no-one can get past you, you are automatically saying ‘I don’t want to talk to a new person’ and also reducing our physical seating capacity. You are also making the congregation more spread out, which makes the whole experience less connected.)

But there’s also - the over-intrusive questions, the ranting about politics, the casually racist or sexist remark, or the physical cornering of a newcomer so that they feel like they can’t escape. Or the interrogation…

So here’s a short playbook for how not to be weird to newcomers.

1. Do not, under any circumstances, start with politics

You may think that everyone shares your political views and that anyone who disagrees is either an idiot or evil. But nothing says “welcome to church” like being asked to declare your position on geopolitics before you’ve even found the bathrooms.

Newsflash: There are people in your church who vote differently to you. There are people visiting who don’t yet know what they think about anything - or don’t particularly care. Or they might deeply care - about Gaza, about the environment, about the economy, about transgender issues.

Don’t start here. Please. Politics is one of the most divisive issues of our day.

2. Don’t treat people from different backgrounds like exchange students

If someone looks or sounds different from you, resist the urge to become an amateur anthropologist. Questions like:

• “Where are you really from?”

• “Your English is so good!”

• “What do your people think about…?”

…do not land as warmly as you imagine. Even when you think you are sounding gracious and warm, you mightn’t be. Especially avoid generalisations or assumptions about what people from particular ethnic or racial backgrounds must be like.

Please don’t say: ‘Ah, so you are from the US. When are you going to apologise for Donald Trump?’ (This is literally what I’ve heard someone say to someone they’ve only just met).

NB: generational sensitivities are different here, btw. If you are over 75, just be aware that for people under 35, issues of race and ethnicity are supercharged with potential for offence in ways that you likely aren’t aware of.

3. This is not your TED Talk

Somewhere between the final hymn and the tea urn, a certain instinct awakens:
Now is the moment to explain everything I think about everything. Resist it. Newcomers are not looking for a lecture on:

• the end times

• your theory of church decline

• why the music was better in 1997

• or your five-point critique of the sermon (even if it was justified)

Aim for conversation, not proclamation. Ask questions. Leave space.

4. Read the room (and the person)

Some people arrive at church full of energy. Others arrive carrying something heavy. Not everyone wants:

• a long conversation

• a deep personal question

• or an immediate invitation to join three different ministries

Learn to read the cues. A short, warm interaction is better than an overwhelming one. You are not responsible for securing their lifelong commitment in a single conversation.

Don’t assume that they’ve ever been to church before. Don’t assume that they are Christian - or that they aren’t.

5. A word to men

If you are a man speaking to a new woman - especially one that is younger than you and has turned up alone: just take a half-step back—literally and metaphorically. Especially be aware of your physical size and how intimidating you might appear.

Be friendly, be warm, but be brief. Don’t be intense or intrusive. Introduce her to others, especially to other females. Be aware of physically cornering her - in our church, you can’t get out of the pews unless the person on the end moves, which means you can trap someone… don’t do that!

Church should be one of the safest places in the world. That doesn’t happen accidentally - it happens because people exercise a little restraint.

NB: Every church has at least one male who doesn’t really get this message. Sometimes it is harmless, but sometimes it isn’t. Everyone else - and not just the ministry team - needs to be on the lookout for when this happens and tactically intervene!! Don’t just stand back and watch a disaster unfold.

6. Avoid the holy interrogation

There is a particular kind of church conversation that feels less like hospitality and more like an intake form.

• “Are you a Christian?”

• “Which church did you come from?”

• “Why did you leave?”

• “What do you believe about…?”

Some people are ready to share these things off the bat, but not many. You need to let trust build - and to share something of yourself, too.

A normal and natural conversation is an exchange. My usual method is to ask a few very general opening questions, but to avoid it becoming an interrogation, I do offer something of myself after a minute or two - a story, a disclosure (‘I’ve got four kids’, ‘I love cricket’), or an opinion.

When the conversation moves off who they are and who you are and onto a third subject in which you’ve both got something to contribute, then you’ve done very well.

7. Don’t panic and oversell

Sometimes we meet someone new and immediately feel the need to:

• explain everything about church life

• apologise for everything about church life

• or recruit them into everything about church life

You don’t need to close the deal. Your job is simpler than that - to make it easy for them to come back. Telling the new person that it is normal for members to be in a group and to be on a service team may be far too much, too soon!

8. Introduce, don’t trap

If you’re bringing someone into a group conversation (and that’s a great idea), do it graciously: “Hey, this is Sarah - this is her first time here today”.

But don’t hand them over and disappear. Do not trap them in a circle of five people asking rapid-fire questions.

Become a bridge for them into new social connections.

Pro-tip: if there are obvious points of connection between the new person and a person you know in the congregation, introduce them. ‘Oh, so you’re a dog breeder - Pat breeds Jack Russells. Let me introduce you!’

9. Names matter (even if you forget them)

People say that I am good at remembering names. Let me tell you my trick to it…

…

There’s no trick. I just try, because it is really worth it. If I forget someone’s name, I always ask them and apologise.

Everyone forgets names, but making the effort really matters. When a person walks in to church the second time, and they are remembered - it is very powerful. It shows care because it is caring.

In our transient, anonymous city, that’s no small thing. People tell me that they feel lost. A name remembered says, ‘maybe I belong here’.

10. Put internal church matters on hold

A pet peeve I have as a minister: I’ll be talking to a newcomer over morning tea, and long-term church member Joe/Joanne will bustle up without any regard for the newcomer at all and interrupt.

J: “Excuse me, Michael, I was wondering when I could talk to you about the broken toilet”.

M: “Oh, hi Jo, have you met Pat? Pat has just moved here from Gilgandra”.

J: “Hi Pat, nice to meet you. Michael, does the parish council know about the broken cistern?”

Pat: “I must be going, I’ve got lunch planned”.

I can’t tell you how often that’s happened to me.

Also - avoid church gossip, or raising contentious church debates over (say) women in ministry, charismatic gifts, or sexuality. Don’t assume anything about the person in front of you.

11. Be careful of humour, especially of in-jokes

It is good to use light touches and humour to indicate warmth. But humour is a very tricky thing. We use to say ‘we’re on the same wavelength’. When the joke doesn’t land, however, the opposite effect is achieved. And with a newcomer who doesn’t know the social conventions of the church, we are in something of a no-man’s land.

I am very careful: if a joke doesn’t quite land with the newcomer, I immediately say ‘I was joking’ and move on quickly. It is awful when they leave perhaps thinking that you were serious. Which is why sarcasm is very dangerous stuff in this context.

Church is meant to be weird - but in the right way. That’s part of its beauty. I am not embarrassed that we have a diversity of people. We’ve got eccentrics and oddballs, praise God.

But church should never be inhospitable.